By Peggy Gachet

Many of you probably know I lost both parents and a mother-in-law within a 9 month period. I have reflected a lot on what that loss means.  I offer a reflection of what it has meant to me, and probably many others, but also a reminder to those who are still lucky enough to have one or more parents alive, to take note.

The first thing I had to accept was having no control over their care in the last months/year of their life due to COVID restrictions and lockdowns. 

Secondly, releasing the guilt associated with this isn’t as easy to shake off as one would hope. 

For these reasons, I encourage anyone with living parents to embrace them at every opportunity.  You just never know when a life will end, and you too will find yourself trying to remember what your last visit was like.

While visiting with a friend recently, I talked about being an orphan at the age of 65 and the conversation moved to the expectations of parents and grandparents. Now that is a deep one!

Everyone has their own idea about the ideal relationship between offspring and grandchildren.  After several conversations, I’ve identified a divide between what the offspring thinks and what the parent thinks.  The offspring never sees the REAL age of the parent.  It’s as though losing one of them is the furthest thing from their mind.  Even after extreme health challenges, one expects a complete rebound without realizing that some don’t just bounce back.  There are frequently long term changes in the longevity outlook.  Kids (regardless of age) never seem to really grasp that remaining time on earth becomes more precious as we age, and spending time with family brings the greatest joy for most.

Parents expect birthdays, holidays and anniversaries to be celebrated.  All of them. Not just for grandchildren but everyone in the circle (especially those milestone birthdays and anniversaries).  Seems no one outgrows being made a “fuss over” on their big day, and when it is treated as “just another”, it hurts (quietly, yes but the disappointment is there).  So, my advice is, remember the big days!  Never stop celebrating them.  There is an end and “it ain’t pruddy” as we say in the south.

OK, kids – how about phone calls?  How many of those are enough?  How many do Mom or Dad expect?  How about a daily just checking in?  Can we start there?  Oh yeah, I forgot, you are busy so you’ll just send a text.  DON’T!  THEY WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE EVEN IF JUST FOR A MOMENT.  I’d never given much thought to that until one day Dad told me how much my daily morning calls meant to Mom.  Then it HIT.

Lastly, grandchildren.  Now that one is loaded with landmines.  Shall I just suggest the adults have a conversation about what is enough and what is too much.  Some grandparents would be happiest having them full-time.  Others just want to be close enough but not too close. Why not just TALK about that one and come up with the solution that makes everyone feel appreciated and loved.

THE END!  No more soapbox.